Weekend Festivities

It was a busy weekend in Stratford upon Avon. The official birthday celebrations of Shakespeare took place on Saturday and the town was flooded with foreign secretaries and diplomats. Getting in and out of the town is beginning to be a nightmare -- the usual summer madness that comes with living in the center of town.


It was the Stratford half-marathon on Sunday. The route passed our house, so it was fun to watch the sweating masses from the comfort of our living room whilst munching breakfast in our jim-jams! B asked "why are they running?" I didn't have a good answer.

May 5th Local Elections (UK)

And now, for a party political message from:

Las Vegas

I recently spent a couple of days in the office in Stamford, Connecticut, north of New York, but then flew to Las Vegas for one of our big events. This was a similar trip to the one I did in January, but the difference this time was that I didn't fly back to London in the middle of it!

I had a much better experience in Las Vegas this time too. The event was terrific from a professional perspective, and I didn't throw my back out like last time. But my second impression of Las Vegas was pretty much the same as my first; I'm not that keen on it. I can see why people would love this place, but I can't quite get my head around the constant gambling. I don't understand why so many people would gamble so much money knowing that the odds a stacked so high against you. It just seems like a waste of time. But I guess those same people wouldn't understand why I like climbing mountains or walking to London for fun. It takes all types, I suppose.

One thing is very impressive about Las Vegas; it really was built right in the middle of the desert. And it's still getting bigger. Quite incredible.

National Trust-ing: Charlecotte Park & Cliveden

We spent a couple of recent weekends National Trust-ing. Visiting these beautiful properties and gardens makes for a great day out. And besides, the tea and cake is usually exceptional!

Here are some pictures of Charlecotte Park, which is about 5 miles from our home in Stratford upon Avon. As you can imagine, every local building has some kind of Shakespeare claim to fame, and Charlecotte is no exception. Shakespeare allegedly poached regularly on this estate.

We also visited Cliveden, near High Wycombe, which is a magnificent stately home that commands spectacular views over Berkshire. It is now a very fancy hotel, but the grade 1 listed gardens are open to visitors.

US Presidential Election: Message to American Citizens

This was emailed to me by a good friend in the U.S.

Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and nuclear, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $12/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen!